I am an Army girlfriend. The girlfriend of a soldier. The girlfriend of a man who is serving his country half way around the world.
It has possibly been the 3 most challenging months of my life. Not only is he deployed, but I'm living on an island in south central AK, away from my family, away from my dog, away from everything and everybody I love and care about. It doesn't make the situation any easier to deal with but it does make it easier for me to understand what a deployment is like. Of course I can't understand it completely, not even close, but it is a glimmer of an idea of how hard it is for him.
The constant wondering and worrying is the hardest part of a deployment. It's hard not knowing where they are, if they are okay, and when they're going to be able to make a phone call or send an email. Even if he knew where he was going, he wouldn't be able to tell me and might not even have time to let me know communication was going to be nil. Every day I wonder if today is going to be the day I hear from him. Every day starts and ends in disappointment when that call doesn't come. Every time the phone rings and an unknown phone number pops up on the screen, my pulse quickens and I hold my breath as I answer. Each time, disappointment follows as an unknown voice answers on the other end of the phone. I check my email often, hoping to see his name next to one. Again, disappointment follows when I don't see it. Yet, hope remains that tomorrow will be the day and there is no doubt in my mind that we are worth the trial we are faced with. Given the chance for a re-do, to choose another path, I would stand by him again. The wait is worth it. If things were easy, they wouldn't be worthwhile. If, no, when we make it through this, we will come out stronger together in the end.
I have learned that a deployment void of communication will test you to your very core. If you weren't bipolar before, you might very well be by the end. My thoughts vary from rational to irrational, the irrational driving me to the point of madness only to have the small still voice of rationality break through the darkness. I go through multiple feelings in the course of an hour, a day, a week; happiness, sadness, love, resentment (not for the man, but of the situation), wonderment, heartbreak, luck (that I have a good man in my life), curiousity, etc and etc. I hit rock bottom when I don't hear from him, wondering if the lack of communication is because he doesn't want to, not that he can't, only to snap out of it, he's in a war zone, not at a business retreat where the mini bar is fully stocked with free wi-fi in every plush room, so I pull myself up by the bootstraps and regain my faith and resolve that we will make it through this. I tell myself that however bad it is on my end, it has to be a thousand times worse for him. He is the one who is gone, living through hell, living in a place where anyone can be the enemy, anytime an attack can come, all the time thinking and wondering about the girl waiting at home, wondering if she is still there, waiting for the day to come when he can talk to her again. Nobody but a military spouse or significant other quite understands, even though the very best of friends will sit by and listen, giving words of encouragement which are very much appreciated.
I, of course, being the woman that I am often complain about the situation, not to him, those are the last things he needs to hear. No, to him I send words of encouragement and support even though I don't know if or when he'll get my emails. No, I complain to friends, I post comments on Facebook, I spend by far too much time in my head. Not a day goes by without thinking of him, not even an hour. Many free moments without distraction find my thoughts gravitating to him, often filled with wondering and worrying. There are moments of weakness and moments of strength. Unfortunately the weakness trumps that strength and I have moments of regret that I'm not a stronger woman. For him, for me.
I had a moment not too long ago where that weakness drove me to fool myself into believing that I could trick myself into preparing myself for the worst, that I should get used to the idea of being single. I changed my relationship status on Facebook to single and put the t-shirt of his I'd been sleeping in since he left on the closet shelf. I couldn't bring myself to take down his pictures. I wasn't ready to let go. I'm not ready to let go. After a short while, I told myself I was being silly, impatient, and weak. I renewed my faith, my hope, my patience, and my resolve to wait it out, to support him as best I could with the hand we were dealt. He'll come through when he can, just like he always has in the past. During this short break in my mental health, somebody mentioned something about keeping my options open, that somebody better may come along if my boyfriend didn't man up. Given normal circumstances I probably would have agreed. No, given normal cirumstances I wouldn't be listening for the phone to ring as if my life depended on it, I'd already be moved on and over him. No, given the cirumstances of a military relationship, the comment of manning up bothered me. This was my response:
"As far as the man goes, he's worth it. If he wasn't worth the aggravation, I never would've signed up to be an Army girlfriend. The military life isn't an easy one but nothing worthwhile in life comes easily. He's already manned up, he's serving his country without complaint. He's somewhere where phones and internet connections aren't always readily available. I'm going on blind faith here, something that waxes and wanes unfortunately, but I made a committment before he left and I'll be damned if I don't live up to my end of the bargain. If it falls apart, it won't be because of my lack of faithfulness and loyalty."
Over the last couple of weeks, I've found myself thinking about manning up and decided perhaps I should be womanning up. There are so many things I take for granted on a daily basis, the things and rights and freedoms that he, and so many like him, are fighting for and sacrificing their lives and relationships for. These are just a few.
- He can't pick up the phone when he wants to. He can't get online to check his email on a whim. He is deployed to a country where communication isn't always possible. I can call anybody anytime I want to, I connect to the internet multiple times a day, even my phone has the internet.
- He can't shower when he wants to. Even when he can, the water isn't guaranteed to be warm and he has a time limit. I can shower in the morning, the afternoon, and again at night if I want to. I get free showers at the gym where the water is hot and I can take my own sweet time.
- He sleeps in a tent. He sleeps on the ground. He sleeps on a cot. He sleeps without heat in the middle of the winter. I sleep with a roof over my head, a soft bed underneath me and 2 pillows under my head. I sleep with a soft blanket and a quilt my sister made me.
- He eats when he can and what he can. He eats things that don't appeal to him or taste very good. He eats what is available and what is given to him, thankful for what he gets. I eat what I want to, I eat when I want to. If I don't feel like cooking and nothing looks good in the fridge or in the cupboard, I run to the store or make a call after which somebody delivers food directly to my door.
- He wonders if the girl he left behind is still waiting for him, keeping her promise to him. He thinks about her when he has a free minute, wondering what she is doing and if she's being good. He waits eagerly for letters and emails, care packages and any word from home. They are his connection to home, they are what keeps him going, they are what makes being in hell bearable. He waits to hear those 6 little words, "I love you, I miss you." I wonder if he thinks about me, how he is doing and if he is okay. I wonder why there haven't been any emails, any phone calls, any letters. I wait to hear those 6 little words that make everything better and the waiting easier. I wonder if the boy who left me behind is still coming home to me, keeping his promise to me.
